Why Your Team Won't Win the Stanley Cup

Calgary's four points behind eighth placed Detroit, Atlanta's three points behind Boston (the Rangers are five back after losing to Bahston over the weekend - sorry Reader Matt, theyz wicked retahds in New Yawk!) so I'm calling the playoff teams set. Sure, the order will change in the next two weeks, but that won't matter to wizended scribes like myself since we already know why Your Team Won't Win the... well, you already know what I'm doing here.

A shoutout to the Oilers, and this might be the first one of the season. Despite the fact that if the NHL were like the English Premiership, they'd long ago have been relegated to the kind of rec leagues that decree at least two women per team, they recently managed something special. In one week, the Oilers managed irreparable damage to the playoffs hopes of the Detroit Red Wings, the San Jose Sharks and the Vancouver Canucks. Oh, not because they won't still make the playoffs, but because after losing to Edmonton they can't possibly have any Hope left. Sorry to the fans of all those teams, or in the case of Vancouver, "fans," but instead of playoff hockey you'll have to settle for the beach (San Jose), moving your family, drugs and guns to a different abandoned mansion (Detroit), or, wait, nevermind, Canuck fans don't know when the playoffs start. They do know when they end though. Right after the first round!

There are other teams who won't win the Stanley Cup this year though, in fact, there's 13 other teams with serious flaws that just can't be overcome. Without pausing to check my math or spellyng, here they are..

Western Conference:

1. Chicago - Will give Cristobal Huet most of the playing time. This would be fine if anybody knew where he was; in fact, NHL shooters haven't seen evidence of him all year.
2. San Jose - Lost to Edmonton. Strike one. The score was 5-1. Strike two. Prior to Game 1, assistant coach Trent Yawney will open the locker room door, just to let a little air in. The force of the breeze shatters the team's confidence. Strike three, you're out.
3. Vancouver - Lost to Edmonton. Also, at some point in the first round, Southern inbred hick goaltender "Bobby Lou" will let in a goal. Earthquake is caused as entire city jumps off bandwagon, city sinks into the ocean and is destroyed. Post-script: rest of provinces' Canuck fans insist the team will be better next year.
4. Phoenix - Player spirit is crushed when they look into the stands to find the entire crowd was only able to spell GO COYO on their bare chests.
5. Los Angeles - Dean Lombardi decides to play it safe, not deviate from their youth movement, and tank the first round to ensure a better draft pick. Promises fans the future will be bright.
6. Colorado - Suspended from play until team due to inability to field a full NHL roster. Team objects that it indeed has a full compliment of players, it's just that no fan or league official can name any other than Paul Statsny. League concedes that it can name some AHL players, like Darcy Tucker, but will still uphold its original ruling.
7. Nashville - League terrified of a Stanley Cup celebration where XXX appears on the Cup in magic marker and a suspiciously powerful clear liquid is being served. League rigs the first round so that Nashville plays a dominant team with an invincible lineup. Bettman is told too late that the Harlem Globetrotters don't play hockey and there's no time to find a replacement for San Jose.
8. Detroit - Will keep winning until a first-round matchup with Vancouver is achieved. Early in game one Nicklas Lidstrom will take an innocent shot from centre. Seconds later, inexplicably, the city sinks into the ocean and is destroyed.

Eastern Conference

1. Washington - After a disappointing playoff exit, team explains that it just find any rhythm. Just when they thought they had it, the team's best player would start beating the drums, screaming and shouting incoherently, and just generally driving the rest of the Electric Mayhem crazy.
2. Pittsburgh - It's Game four of the Stanley Cup Finals, Pittsburgh is leading 3-0 in the third and a second straight championship is virtually assured. God then calls back His Only Son, sends him to his room and lectures him for not "fitting in down there." Team falls into confusion and disarray as message is lost.
3. Buffalo - You know why. There's still a lot of empty pages in the NHL rule book they can fill in at a moment's notice.
4. New Jersey - NHL is not against seeing the Stanley Cup brought to Russia, but is very unwilling to having Ilya Kovalchuk keep it as a souvenir of his wacky adventures in North America.
5. Ottawa - Maple Leafs have already proven they have the power to make entire hockey teams in Ontario cease to exist. This will be much easier. Also, goaltending issues.
6. Montreal - An exciting year in Montreal as team is featured in a TLC reality series "Little People, Big Trophy." Crew unfortunately runs out of tape, NHL assume that all TV plays by NBC's rules, audience gets to watch the 2010 Preakness instead.
7. Philadelphia - Not enough scoring up front. Team addresses weakness in the off-season by acquiring Joffrey Lupul, a defensive prospect and some draft picks in exchange for some old tall defenseman.
8. Boston - Cannot win games 0-0 despite pressure on the league to go to a European Champions League-style aggregate scoring system. Injuries were also a factor as David Kreiji and Patrice Bergeron are injured on controversial hits. Some say the hits were legal, others suggest that fans in the second deck leaving with player heads as souvenirs proves the need for a head shot rule.