I like soccer. It's a great sport, it's outdoors and anyone, regardless of age or physical prowess, can pick up and play it right away even if their last period of outdoor exercise occurred during the Nixon-Kennedy debate, resulting in friendly black-and-white lecture and a severe beating. Chances are, in a group of six or more friends or family, someone has a ball and someone else lives near a park so there's always a fall-back activity if, you know, that friend who doesn't drink is hanging around.
The World Cup is different. When you're neutral to a professional sport you'll always take the opposite of whatever opinion you're facing at the moment. Not with much conviction, but if someone hates soccer you'll find yourself defending it and if they love it you'll complain. That's probably a good way to determine if you're actually neutral. I am neutral but given the way closet soccer fans are coming out of the woodworks during this and every World Cup, I'm spending a lot more time bitching about the whole production than enjoying it. And with good reason; here's all my Reasons Why The World Cup Sucks:
-The Diving - No sense waiting with this one. After two months of Stanley Cup playoffs where players block shots with everybody part you can nightmare about, nothing makes me want to learn how to shoot guns than watching soccer players writhing around on the ground, in tears, covering their faces and being helped off the field by three players to sell a kick to the shins. This is almost a silly thing to complain about because nobody's going to argue against this, but that's why it's a problem. It's so accepted in the sport, but for the occasional governing body complaint, that it becomes part of the sport's identity. It's Okay To Dive Because You Won't Score Otherwise. Yeah? Fuck you soccer.
-Soccer fans - I cheer for England, I guess, or Scotland, or Ireland. But not really, because I'm not English, Scottish, or Irish. Know what, fair-weather soccer fans? If you life in Canada, chances are that you aren't actually Spanish, Greek, German, Italian, or whatever. I know, you'd cheer for Canada if they were in it and you're just supporting your heritage, but why? Ever seen any of those countries play? Think those players care that some people in Canada support them? If the Oilers don't make the playoffs, I don't just pick my next favorite team because their next on the list. I kind of hoped Chicago would win the Cup, or that the Tampa Bay Rays win the American League East and that Roy Halladay and his Phillies win the World Series. But these teams aren't my teams and I don't pretend they are, unlike every half-assed some-time soccer fan. It's worse when you're faking whole COUNTRY allegiances. It's treason. You all suck for committing treason.
-It's Boring - Baseball, at times, under very unfortunate but rare circumstances, on the wrong day, with the wrong weather, without any beer, can be a little, just a smidge now, boring. I can see that. It's still wrong but, like a fat woman wearing 3/4 length pants and a sweater, I can at least see it, unspeakable as it may be. What separates baseball from soccer though is that something could happen literally anytime. Each pitch is a homerun, great catch, double-play or hilarious error in waiting. Soccer is a bunch of puttering around at midfield with the occasional shot that misses high and wide by 50 feet. Sometimes, after an effective dive that punctures a lung (cured only with a split second on the bench and presumably some oranges), a goal is scored. This is exciting but you already knew it was coming because...
-Why Are The Nets So Big And There's No Scoring - I guess the title covers this. Keep the big net but cut the number of players and field size in half. Also, swords.
-This:
The World Cup is different. When you're neutral to a professional sport you'll always take the opposite of whatever opinion you're facing at the moment. Not with much conviction, but if someone hates soccer you'll find yourself defending it and if they love it you'll complain. That's probably a good way to determine if you're actually neutral. I am neutral but given the way closet soccer fans are coming out of the woodworks during this and every World Cup, I'm spending a lot more time bitching about the whole production than enjoying it. And with good reason; here's all my Reasons Why The World Cup Sucks:
-The Diving - No sense waiting with this one. After two months of Stanley Cup playoffs where players block shots with everybody part you can nightmare about, nothing makes me want to learn how to shoot guns than watching soccer players writhing around on the ground, in tears, covering their faces and being helped off the field by three players to sell a kick to the shins. This is almost a silly thing to complain about because nobody's going to argue against this, but that's why it's a problem. It's so accepted in the sport, but for the occasional governing body complaint, that it becomes part of the sport's identity. It's Okay To Dive Because You Won't Score Otherwise. Yeah? Fuck you soccer.
-Soccer fans - I cheer for England, I guess, or Scotland, or Ireland. But not really, because I'm not English, Scottish, or Irish. Know what, fair-weather soccer fans? If you life in Canada, chances are that you aren't actually Spanish, Greek, German, Italian, or whatever. I know, you'd cheer for Canada if they were in it and you're just supporting your heritage, but why? Ever seen any of those countries play? Think those players care that some people in Canada support them? If the Oilers don't make the playoffs, I don't just pick my next favorite team because their next on the list. I kind of hoped Chicago would win the Cup, or that the Tampa Bay Rays win the American League East and that Roy Halladay and his Phillies win the World Series. But these teams aren't my teams and I don't pretend they are, unlike every half-assed some-time soccer fan. It's worse when you're faking whole COUNTRY allegiances. It's treason. You all suck for committing treason.
-It's Boring - Baseball, at times, under very unfortunate but rare circumstances, on the wrong day, with the wrong weather, without any beer, can be a little, just a smidge now, boring. I can see that. It's still wrong but, like a fat woman wearing 3/4 length pants and a sweater, I can at least see it, unspeakable as it may be. What separates baseball from soccer though is that something could happen literally anytime. Each pitch is a homerun, great catch, double-play or hilarious error in waiting. Soccer is a bunch of puttering around at midfield with the occasional shot that misses high and wide by 50 feet. Sometimes, after an effective dive that punctures a lung (cured only with a split second on the bench and presumably some oranges), a goal is scored. This is exciting but you already knew it was coming because...
-Why Are The Nets So Big And There's No Scoring - I guess the title covers this. Keep the big net but cut the number of players and field size in half. Also, swords.
-This:
These are not athletes. These are cartoons from the gayest Saturday morning cartoons you've ever seen. Athletes have scars, bruises and body hair for God's sakes.
-The vuvuzela. It's an instrument that makes a culturally unique sound: whenever the instrument is played by a large number of people anyone listening will say, and ONLY say, "Man. That sounds like a shitload of bees." Every time. Like they're the first person to notice this. In other words, it's an instrument with perfect pitch.
-Ties. Or, in soccer parlance, "0-0 For the Bad Team." I know, lots of sports have ties in their preliminary rounds. They're wrong too. Overtime and shootouts! Then only overtime in elimination rounds! Give us Winners and Losers! Number will tell us who is brilliant and noble and weak and cowardly!
- France. France sucks.
1 comment:
Fuck you too soccer!
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