Why Your Team Didn't Make The Playoffs
In Part 2 of the massively popular series, Why Your Noun Didn't Verb the Noun, we look at the other 14 teams that make up the ever-glorious National League of Hockey. Last time I said rather definitely that the teams that were in the playoffs then were guarenteed to be the final 16. So far so good, except that the New Matt Rangers beat Philly tonight and now sit tied for the eighth spot. I'm fine with being wrong if it means Philly misses the playoffs. Philly sucks. Go Rangers, they managed to trade or sigh some of the ex-Oilers that not everyone in Edmonton despises. A bold declaration then! The first of many! Many unrelated to the title! Rangers WILL make the playoffs, beating Philly in a shootout on Sunday. Book it.
Other predictions before the shenanigans start. I made a bet at work today that Tyler Seguin will play next year in junior. He'll play the first few games of course, but before reaching the 10 game limit he'll be sent back to the OHL by... Edmonton. The Oilers have by far the best chance at winning the draft lottery (this Tuesday, 5 pm ET on TSN), but they only have a 48.2% overall. So at slightly worse than a coin flip, the chances are strong that they'll end drafting second (since that's the lowest they can fall) and that's where they'll take Seguin. Of the other four teams most likely to jump up to first overall, Boston (via Brian Burke's "brain") has the next best shot. They'd draft Hall since they need a winger to replace Kessel (assuming Hall is actually as good as advertised, of course) more than a center who'd play behind Savard and Bergeron. Tampa has the next best shot and they're in even better shape down the middle with Stamkos and Lecavalier. Florida is next and could draft either way but would probably have to trade either Horton or Weiss since Seguin, should he play in the NHL right away (again, we're assuming he's as good as advertised too), would play on one of the top two lines. Besides, Hall's more exciting and they need someone who can make the fans PAY ATTENTION. The Islanders are the next (this is all as of today of course) and could draft either way, but given their inability to score as well a winger like Hall might be more appealing. In other words, of the five primary lottery teams, the Oilers have the biggest void at center and will do one of two things: drop to second in the lottery and draft Seguin or retain the first pick, trade down to second for either some cap relief or another prospect and draft Seguin then.
I'm personally unsure which player the Oilers SHOULD chose, they both seem pretty equal except for their position. It's not like the Oilers have a surplus of snipers who play big on the wings either, but they have even less at center. IF, and the intentional capitalization indicates a Very Big If, both players are exactly as good as each other and have identical careers and wear the same clothes and eat at all the same restaurants, Edmonton should draft on their needs and get Seguin. BUT, and that's a big But, Hall's won the OHL and CHL Rookie of the Year and was Memorial Cup MVP last year, played well in the World Juniors and, apparently, was good enough that if he was draft eligible last year would've been taken over Tavares. Seguin didn't make the World Juniors, has only had one great year in the OHL and STILL had less points-per-game than Hall. BUT he's apparently better defensively than Hall and kills penalties. BUT Hall outplayed Seguin in their recent playoff matchup and his Spitfires easily beat Seguin's Whalers. BUT... Oh God Who Knows. I'm pretty sure Edmonton takes Seguin. Who knows who they should take.
Why Your Team Didn't Make The Playoffs:
Other predictions before the shenanigans start. I made a bet at work today that Tyler Seguin will play next year in junior. He'll play the first few games of course, but before reaching the 10 game limit he'll be sent back to the OHL by... Edmonton. The Oilers have by far the best chance at winning the draft lottery (this Tuesday, 5 pm ET on TSN), but they only have a 48.2% overall. So at slightly worse than a coin flip, the chances are strong that they'll end drafting second (since that's the lowest they can fall) and that's where they'll take Seguin. Of the other four teams most likely to jump up to first overall, Boston (via Brian Burke's "brain") has the next best shot. They'd draft Hall since they need a winger to replace Kessel (assuming Hall is actually as good as advertised, of course) more than a center who'd play behind Savard and Bergeron. Tampa has the next best shot and they're in even better shape down the middle with Stamkos and Lecavalier. Florida is next and could draft either way but would probably have to trade either Horton or Weiss since Seguin, should he play in the NHL right away (again, we're assuming he's as good as advertised too), would play on one of the top two lines. Besides, Hall's more exciting and they need someone who can make the fans PAY ATTENTION. The Islanders are the next (this is all as of today of course) and could draft either way, but given their inability to score as well a winger like Hall might be more appealing. In other words, of the five primary lottery teams, the Oilers have the biggest void at center and will do one of two things: drop to second in the lottery and draft Seguin or retain the first pick, trade down to second for either some cap relief or another prospect and draft Seguin then.
I'm personally unsure which player the Oilers SHOULD chose, they both seem pretty equal except for their position. It's not like the Oilers have a surplus of snipers who play big on the wings either, but they have even less at center. IF, and the intentional capitalization indicates a Very Big If, both players are exactly as good as each other and have identical careers and wear the same clothes and eat at all the same restaurants, Edmonton should draft on their needs and get Seguin. BUT, and that's a big But, Hall's won the OHL and CHL Rookie of the Year and was Memorial Cup MVP last year, played well in the World Juniors and, apparently, was good enough that if he was draft eligible last year would've been taken over Tavares. Seguin didn't make the World Juniors, has only had one great year in the OHL and STILL had less points-per-game than Hall. BUT he's apparently better defensively than Hall and kills penalties. BUT Hall outplayed Seguin in their recent playoff matchup and his Spitfires easily beat Seguin's Whalers. BUT... Oh God Who Knows. I'm pretty sure Edmonton takes Seguin. Who knows who they should take.
Why Your Team Didn't Make The Playoffs:
Western Conference:
9. Calgary - HAHAHA! HAHAHA! HAHAHAHA! Stop! Please! You're killing me! Matt Stajan for 4 more years at $3.5 million? After FOUR POINTS IN SEVEN GAMES!?!?! It's called a SAMPLE SIZE, y'ever heard of it?!?! You traded away the ONLY DECENT PLAYER you've drafted in 10 years FOR CAP SPACE!?!?! And then spent all that space on the TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS SECOND LINE CENTER!?!?! Oh GOD! Jokinen's $5 million was coming off the books and you turn it into two more years of $3 million statue ALES FUCKING KOTALIK? No more, please! You have HOW many draft picks in the top 60 in the next two years? Two? Because you basically traded Jordan Leopold and a first round pick for KOTALIK and Chris Higgins? And WHY did you trade Dustin Boyd for a 4th round pick? Did you forget about all the scoring you WEREN'T doing!?!? Was his $650,000 making it hard for him to fit in!?! I have to catch my breath here. Okay. Slow it down. Pulse... lowering... lowering... okay, I'll risk one more look at your NHL Numbers page and wait, is this a typo? Is your cap hit for Steve Staios, Cory Sarich, Matt Stajan and Rene Bourque next year really just under $17 million dollars? ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?! WHAT IN DEEP DARK MOUNTAINS OF HOLY FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!??!?! How I am supposed to write anything for any other team now? Dear Calgary Flames fans, the reason the Calgary Flames are not in the playoffs is because Darryl Sutter absolutely fucking hates you the way Allied forces fucking hated Dresden. And now they want to trade Iginla. Marvelous.
Also, scoring was an issue.
10. St. Louis - There's other teams? Shit. Um... okay, got one. Keith Tkachuck was impressed with Chris Mason's confidence, poise, and quick reflexes for the 2008-2009 playoff-bound Blues. He took the coach's words of "feeding off their goalie" too literally and devoured Mas... Wait a second. Rene Bourque's contract was for SIX YEARS!?!? WHY!!?!? Is it THAT hard to find a player to average 0.54 points-per-game over his career that you just COULDN'T LET THAT SHIT GET AWAY??? Was it his single point, -2 +/- and 22 penalty minutes in the playoffs last year that made you think he was a KEEPER!?!? It WAS, wasn't it?!?! You're KILLING me Sutter!!! MY TUMMY HURTS NOW!!!
11. Anaheim - Lingering effects of Sutterarian influence in the organization. Team acquired some Leaf cast-offs of their very own in Vesa Toskala and Jason Blake, presumably because team's confidence in their goaltending and scoring ability was holding them back. That resolved, the team's character improved and Coach took them out for ice cream even though they lost the big game.
12. Dallas - I dunno, just seems like they needed a spark, some kind of agitator or something. Don't get me wrong, Steve Ott seems like a super nice guy, but what about someone who could REALLY stir the pot? And not just on the ice either. Forget it, not with Brett Hull running the team. He's not? Oh. Well, maybe there's hope!
13. Minnesota - Team announces big plans to change their style of play from boring and defense-oriented to wide-open and exciting. They unleash their new attack with the acquisitions of Kyle Brodziak, Chuck Kobasew, Robbie Earl and the continued employm...er... "deployment" of Derek Boogaard. Martin Havlat continues his point-a-game pace from the year before in Chicago, but only if you look at Total Net Points where you add up points for, 54, with his net plus/minus, -19. So, in 73 games, Havlat "contributed" 73 points. No? Well, he hasn't kicked anyone yet.
14. Columbus - Big declines in play from Derek Brassard, Steve Mason and Mike Commodore lead fans to wonder why in the world they were entrusting the Columbus Rick Nashes to Derek Brassard, Steve Mason and Mike Commodore. Having something called "Grant Clitsome" playing defense probably didn't keep the guys focused either. No, really. Look him up.
15. Edmonton - Well, losing out on the Jay Bouwmeester Sweepstakes really hurt and wait, What? In the first of five years averaging $6.68 million, Bouwmeester has THREE GOALS?!?! "Where's the offense going to come from Calgary?" "Haha, silly Everyone In the World! We'll get lots of offense from our defense! With Phaneuf AND Bouwmeester, scoring won't be an issue at all!" That's AWESOME!!! Way to go Flames! That quick-transition game got you 28th IN THE NHL IN GOALS FOR AND 26th ON THE POWERPLAY!!! HAHAHAHA!!!
Also, injuries.
Eastern Conference:
9. Philadelphia - Third-string janitor Buck McShineykins lets in two questionable goals in the third period against the Rangers, and fails to stop even one shootout attempt (Pierre McGuire names him the game's Monster anyway). Local fans and media loudly voice their objections to the failure to land a goalie at the trade deadline. GM Paul Holmgren insists that he put in a call to Islanders' GM Garth Snow only to find out that Snow himself is not available.
10. Atlanta - Despite accomplishing the Perfect Trade by acquiring a puck-moving defenseman AND a top-six forward AND a draft pick in the SAME trade, team falls just short of a playoff spot. Team blames the distraction of the Todd White sweepstakes hanging over the heads all year. GM Don Waddell promises that NEXT TIME players will be re-signed or traded before their value completely diminishes. Probably.
11. Carolina - Realizes too late they can't possibly rob Edmonton of two kinds of glory in a five-year span, and decide to try to make the playoffs instead. Recchi is a diver.
12. New York Islanders - Team hopes that John Tavares living with Doug Weight will become the Islander version of Sidney Crosby living with Mario Lemieux, but without enough goaltending depth the team falters. Yet the rebuild is underway with off-season plans to sign Vesa Toskala, Marty Turco, Ray Emery, Josh Harding and, as insurance, Martin Biron. Matt Moulson's 52 year, $176.8 million contract extension is expected to be announced early next week.
13. Florida - David Booth's inspiring return to the lineup, after missing 45 games with a Severely Detached Head (officially called "a mild upper upper body injury"), fails after Jaroslav Spacek reaches in with a welcome back hug. Team can't recover, and Booth now tattoos important information on his arm and remembers not to trust Teddy's lies.
14. Tampa Bay - Despite a wildly successful and unexpected season from Steven Stamkos, the Lightning fail because teams with only one play can be kind of predictable. Also, players claim financial distractions when team owners suggest a new plan to compensate players not in salary but with a "jaunty song-and-dance." Bettman claims record attendance and profits.
15. Toronto - High expectations followed Brian Burke's summer of free-agent signings as Truculence, Pugnacity, Belligerence and Testosterone all agreed to team contracts. Unfortunately, none were acquired because of any hockey-related skill and the team's penalty kill (last), powerplay (last), and defensive-zone play (second last in goals-against) suffered. Some in the media attempted to lay some blame at the feet of Ron Wilson only to find that, when things are laid at Ron Wilson's feet, he assumes they are offerings from mere mortals and his powers grow. When asked about his repeated warnings of greater accountability from players and management, Burke flew into a insane rage, smashed his fist into the table, screamed about Vancouver trading Alex Burrows to Tampa for Hedman, traded away all the team's draft picks forever for a one-season wonder with questionable chuzbah, and called Kevin Lowe a rapist. The Toronto media nod their wise old heads in approval of The Burke's patient re-build, and Michael Lansberg comes out of his coffin and promises to interview Burke every single day. People who accidentally stumble onto Lansberg's "show" see no difference.
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