The Team That Everyone Hated

*I'm sorry if you read this after I published it but before I edited it.  That's the wrong order to do things in.  The amount of typos and spelling mistakes... just, sorry.

See those guys?  A busy week for the three worst people in the world.  They ruined the competitive playing field in the NBA, engaged in blatant collusion against the poor helpless owners, shamelessly flaunted the loyalties of their former and current cities, wreaked further havoc on the already-shaky sporting confidence of one of the world's great cities (over a sport they don't even like), grabbed the poor ugly kid/city who never gets the girl who tries oh so hard and punched it in the face on national TV, possibly ended the life of the NBA in one city but that doesn't matter because they set in motion a series of events that ENDS WITH CLEVELAND BURIED AND FORGOTTEN.

Oh it was quite a week.  If you can find any sports news website columnist, blogger, radio personality or Guy You Met Once At A Party who thinks that Lebron's bizarre ESPN primetime Hey, Go Fuck Yourself Cleveland! was in poor taste, congratulations, you've passed into a parallel universe!  Neato!  Bring me back some of the Oreos with the cookie part in the middle and a shopping cart with three wonky wheels!  Nobody likes it!  Anywhere!

But how could you not???  We were witness to something pretty special:  the culmination of all the world's sporting egos combining together to form Egonotron, the Most Powerful Ego, whose powers include 1) thinking it's okay to humiliate one of the saddest, most unlucky loser cities in North America, 2) hold a ONE HOUR ESPN SPECIAL to simply say "Next year I basket my ball in *blank*," and 3) not telling anyone in Cleveland (remember Cleveland?  That city near Akron where you're from?), either the fans or the team that hired, fired and signed whoever James wanted, what he was doing and made them find out on TV SEVEN DAYS after free agency started.  That sucks because there are, you know, other players out there that Cleveland might've wanted to sign if you didn't want to play there.  All of this, all this self-created hype and exposure, all this attention and the weird WWE-style intro:



All this so that the Greatest Basketball Player on Earth (except for all those guys with NBA Championships like Kobe, Tim Duncan, Dwayne Wade, Shaquille O'Neal) could live with this philosophy (from Joe Posnanski's always brilliant blog.  Why aren't you reading him right now?):

“We don’t have to have the pressure of going out, scoring 30 every night, or shooting a high percentage or logging long minutes and worrying about our team suffering because of that at times.”

In other words, ALL THIS NONSENSE was so that Lebron can do LESS on the court that he was before and accomplish MORE because basketball will be EASY NOW and make this whole ordeal easier without all that silly team-building.  No more 30 point games!  Won't it be better for the team now that I, Lebron James, one of the two best players in the game, am playing LESS?  Why aren't other athletes like Gretzky, Jordan or someone else with a championship, as giving as I?  Now, with Bosh and Wade and some part-time cap-friendly illegal Cubans in the lineup, James can simply stroll into his pre-ordained vestige as Basketball Demigod.  Won't it be so much easier now without all that work???  We might never see anything this ballsy again.  Haha!  Of course we will.  After all, Kevin Durant is due for free agency... wait!  What's this?  The youngest player to even win an NBA scoring title just re-signed in his own bland and unremarkable city?  Without ESPN there to lick his balls for a full hour?  Pussy. 

Public opinion seems split on whether or not it was okay for Lebron to leave Cleveland at all.  Public opinion, in this case, is being gauged by the two hours of sports radio I listened to on a road trip before I lost signal, or my brain shut off from lack of activity, whichever.  Some callers, and one host, thought he'd blown his chance at greatness not so much by leaving his hometown team that drafted him, no, that only cost him immortality, but by going to a team with another superstar and another very good star.  By giving his reason for leaving as needing to play with better players, he was basically admitting that he needed help, couldn't do it alone, and wasn't willing to stay and build a team around him like Jordan or Bryant.  I counter that with "So he treated a team sport like a team sport?  He didn't destroy and alienate everyone around him by insisting on doing things his way, maybe having some players traded because they were as good as him?  He's going to sacrifice some vague notion of personal glory in order to win championships?  What an ASS!!!!

Other callers, and the other host, seemed to think that it's fine for him to leave, Clevelanders are embarrassing themselves by showing how angry, sad and hurt they are and after all James did spent seven years there, re-signing once and giving the team every chance to build a championship around him.  He left because management couldn't find any complimentary talents to play with him, so he took charge of his own life and career and made the best move for himself and his family.  I'll counter that with BUT HE WON 60 GAMES TWICE!  If the Lakers or Heat had back to back 60 win season and didn't even make the finals, Kobe and Wade would be labelled chokers!  Why is it different with Lebron???

The lesson, of course, is that nobody's right about anything and everyone's an idiot.  Well, except for everyone who says the one hour on ESPN was stupid.  When they announced The Decision would air on ESPN, it was like when the Oilers traded away the 17th overall pick in the 2003 draft to New Jersey and the Devils took Zack Parise.  I was watching and knew it was stupid right away and it would only prove itself a stupider and stupider move the more time went by.  Same thing with The Decision, everyone knew it was preposterously arrogant, self-important, journalistic unethical and embarrassing the minute it was announced.  It got so much worse when it included, as a bonus, the crushed soul of an entire city which simply accelerated the rate at which this ridiculous experience has sickened our taste for the famous and powerful in sports.  Only when they actually act rich and powerful though; we're fine with with them when they act like cole miners, pulling out teeth and getting stitched up in hallways.  Athletes:  They're Not Really Like Us At All!

Perhaps the only thing more universally agreed-upon than the denouncing of ESPN's Big Stupid Mess, at least among fans, is how much everyone wants to see this team get its ass kicked.  Every caller I listened to giving their "opinion" on whether it was okay for Lebron to leave Cleveland either loudly cheered for or quietly conceded that they hoped the Heat lose out at some point this year, either suffering the embarrassment of not making the playoffs at all or the heartbreak of an overtime playoff loss.  I'm hoping for a Final where Kobe hits an impossible three-pointer to give the Lakers the lead with seconds left and for Lebron to miss the buzzer-beater while Wade and Bosh wave their arms and scream "I'M OPEN!!!"

How Mariano Rivera Dominates Hitters

How Mariano Rivera Dominates Hitters

Taylor Hall

It's finally done.  Since, what, January this has been going on?  It's a case of the Oilers taking the safe pick because you can't ever be second-guessed when you take a two-time defending Memorial Cup champion and two-time tournament MVP.  It's also the risky pick because of the recklessness and higher injury factor.  If you're flipping coins and everyone says don't worry, both heads or tails wins then, well, shouldn't you be happy?

I went to the Oiler draft party and it was great, mostly because I won a Hall number 10 jersey.  I'll get to spend my remaining years explaining to strangers that yes, I know Hall isn't number 10 and yes, I realize that Shawn Horcoff will always be number 10 after turning his career around, signing another long-term deal, captaining the team to many Stanley Cups and having his number retired, and having a taller, stronger statue built, out of pure gold, right in front of Gretzky's.  I'll call it commemorative, and whenever I cross ways with one of the other 99 Edmontonians who won a Hall 10 jersey tonight we'll shake hands in a way you CANNOT BELIEVE.

Now, if only we can make some trades.

"No spot on this team is safe, I don't care if your name is Taylor Hall, Jordan Eberle or... Smithers, what's one of the bad players' names?"

"Robert Nilsson, Patrick O'Sullivan, JF Jacques, Ethan Moreau, Marc Pouliot, Liam Reddox?"

"Or... all those players!" 

Phutebhawl

I like soccer.  It's a great sport, it's outdoors and anyone, regardless of age or physical prowess, can pick up and play it right away even if their last period of outdoor exercise occurred during the Nixon-Kennedy debate, resulting in friendly black-and-white lecture and a severe beating.  Chances are, in a group of six or more friends or family, someone has a ball and someone else lives near a park so there's always a fall-back activity if, you know, that friend who doesn't drink is hanging around.

The World Cup is different.  When you're neutral to a professional sport you'll always take the opposite of whatever opinion you're facing at the moment.  Not with much conviction, but if someone hates soccer you'll find yourself defending it and if they love it you'll complain.  That's probably a good way to determine if you're actually neutral.  I am neutral but given the way closet soccer fans are coming out of the woodworks during this and every World Cup, I'm spending a lot more time bitching about the whole production than enjoying it.  And with good reason; here's all my Reasons Why The World Cup Sucks:

-The Diving - No sense waiting with this one.  After two months of Stanley Cup playoffs where players block shots with everybody part you can nightmare about, nothing makes me want to learn how to shoot guns than watching soccer players writhing around on the ground, in tears, covering their faces and being helped off the field by three players to sell a kick to the shins.  This is almost a silly thing to complain about because nobody's going to argue against this, but that's why it's a problem.  It's so accepted in the sport, but for the occasional governing body complaint, that it becomes part of the sport's identity.  It's Okay To Dive Because You Won't Score Otherwise.  Yeah?  Fuck you soccer.

-Soccer fans - I cheer for England, I guess, or Scotland, or Ireland.  But not really, because I'm not English, Scottish, or Irish.  Know what, fair-weather soccer fans?  If you life in Canada, chances are that you aren't actually Spanish, Greek, German, Italian, or whatever.  I know, you'd cheer for Canada if they were in it and you're just supporting your heritage, but why?  Ever seen any of those countries play?  Think those players care that some people in Canada support them?  If the Oilers don't make the playoffs, I don't just pick my next favorite team because their next on the list.  I kind of hoped Chicago would win the Cup, or that the Tampa Bay Rays win the American League East and that Roy Halladay and his Phillies win the World Series.  But these teams aren't my teams and I don't pretend they are, unlike every half-assed some-time soccer fan.  It's worse when you're faking whole COUNTRY allegiances.  It's treason.  You all suck for committing treason.

-It's Boring - Baseball, at times, under very unfortunate but rare circumstances, on the wrong day, with the wrong weather, without any beer, can be a little, just a smidge now, boring.  I can see that.  It's still wrong but, like a fat woman wearing 3/4 length pants and a sweater, I can at least see it, unspeakable as it may be.  What separates baseball from soccer though is that something could happen literally anytime.  Each pitch is a homerun, great catch, double-play or hilarious error in waiting.  Soccer is a bunch of puttering around at midfield with the occasional shot that misses high and wide by 50 feet.  Sometimes, after an effective dive that punctures a lung (cured only with a split second on the bench and presumably some oranges), a goal is scored.  This is exciting but you already knew it was coming because...

-Why Are The Nets So Big And There's No Scoring - I guess the title covers this.  Keep the big net but cut the number of players and field size in half.  Also, swords.

-This:

These are not athletes.  These are cartoons from the gayest Saturday morning cartoons you've ever seen.  Athletes have scars, bruises and body hair for God's sakes. 

-The vuvuzela.  It's an instrument that makes a culturally unique sound: whenever the instrument is played by a large number of people anyone listening will say, and ONLY say, "Man.  That sounds like a shitload of bees."  Every time.  Like they're the first person to notice this.  In other words, it's an instrument with perfect pitch.

-Ties.  Or, in soccer parlance, "0-0 For the Bad Team."  I know, lots of sports have ties in their preliminary rounds.  They're wrong too.  Overtime and shootouts!  Then only overtime in elimination rounds!  Give us Winners and Losers!  Number will tell us who is brilliant and noble and weak and cowardly!

- France.  France sucks.

Armando Galarraga and the Mostly Perfect Game

Armando Galarraga pitched a perfect game last night, the third perfect game this season.  It was a close game, some great defense by the Tigers to keep the night alive, highlighted by Austin Jackson's brilliant running catch in the ninth and a difficult 3-1 put-out at first to end the game.  Except, of course, that isn't what happened.  First base umpire Jim Joyce (man, we're really getting good at knowing the names of umpires and referees aren't we?) looked to move into a punch-out motion before changing his mind and calling the runner safe.  Replays clearly showed the runner was out and after the game, which ended after one more batter, Joyce would say that he was wrong and felt terrible for taking away Galarraga's career highlight.

First, obviously, a moment for Jim Joyce for man-ing up and admitting his mistake, not in a press release, not hiding behind Major League Baseball's official statements, not making excuses like it was a close play, coulda gone either way, I stand by my call, etc.  Nope.  He apologized, healed the situation, and certainly eased the increasingly volatile relationship that seems to have developed between managers/players and umpires.  This last week had Joe Maddon and Kevin Gregg ejected in the same Jays-Rays game two nights ago, Joe West (and his publicist) continuing to make an ass of himself, Ozzie Guillen flaming West after a game, and that other really heated argument from a few nights ago.  So it's been a tough go for the umpires lately, much of it their own doing, and it was nice to see what would've been the uber-climax of recent umpire-embattlement handled with some humility and class.

This is baseball though, and so any type of umpire mistakes become fodder for those who want to see increasing use of instant replay.  A few years ago, umpires forgot what a homerun looked like and MLB had to institute an instant replay to determine if a potential homerun was foul, off the wall, or legitimate.  Of course after last night, there's a new call for instant replay use on the bases to avoid this kind of situation.  The traditionalists, who are comprised of Old Columnists, Old Former Players Who Are Now Announcers, Anybody Directly Employed By MLB and People On TV.  That's almost everyone, isn't it?  Oh, except for fans.  The argument against more instant replay use is that it'll make the game longer than it already is.  That's valid.  You can counter that by saying that ANY FAN IN THE GODDAMN WORLD will wait an extra few minutes in a three-hour game to get the call RIGHT.  And that's the problem here, there's too much emphasis on the broad and vague idea of "maintaining tradition" and not enough on "getting the fucking call right."

I hate listening to this debate in baseball, especially when an incident like this raises the intensity and importance of the debate.  I tip my hand I suppose with my own leanings on the matter, but maybe unfairly.  I'm not sure how exactly instant replay will be used, if I want more instant replay, if I want the game to take even longer, if it should be a coach's challenge, which plays should be reviewable.  What I know for sure is that the traditionalists' argument is infuriatingly stupid.  "The games will take too long?"  Bullshit.  This sport has done NOTHING to speed itself up, priding itself on allowing players to call time between pitches, endless catcher visits to the mound, batters stepping out of the box and performing a full-body epileptic fit on their batting gloves, and on and on.  Joe West was right on this one, even if he should keep his mouth shut.  Time has never been a priority for baseball, so why pretend to make it one when changes are being proposed to get more calls right?  The other main argument is that it's important to keep something called the "human element" in the game.  Why?  Because fans like the memory of Doug Eddings and AJ Pierzynski, Don Denkinger at first base, or Phil Cuzzi missing a Joe Mauer double by five feet (from probably 20 feet away, what a shithead)?  These aren't quaint parts of a grand sport's legacy.  These are embarrassing mistakes that the system was not yet advanced enough to avoid.  MLB has the means to advance the game and will eventually implement them; every other sport has a replay and/or challenge system, it's inevitable baseball will too. 

What would be great is if baseball was willing to retroactively change the ruling on the field from last night's game.  Does it create a dangerous precedent?  Maybe, though in this case I think everyone involved can agree that the player and the team getting credit for the perfect game is the most important thing.  Would other teams attempt to have calls that went against them reversed?  Absolutely!  Every chance they got!  But couldn't baseball simply make the ruling, then say that because of the extreme and rare circumstances (it would've been the last out!) this event will not be considered precedent for future retroactive corrections.  The league will announce that it will take another look at instant replay feasibility in light of recent events, and the game would evolve without any suffering.  I'm not a lawyer, this might not be a perfect strategy and there may be issues in the future, but how could they be worse than last night?


Update: *SIGH*