Jamie Campbell and Rance Mulliniks seem like REALLY nice people. If I were older and had a daughter who brought either one of them home, I would probably wait until they'd finished cleaning my house and cooking my steak before burying them in the backyard. They're just so bland, if you could listen to pablum it would sound like these two. They're also homers in the worst way, sometimes you need to watch for a good hour to see who the Jays are actually playing, and yet there's something very harmless about it. They're never rude, never rip players or managers for mistakes and seem more like old people in church than baseball announcers. It's baseball Sunday school I guess. If you go to Sportsnet.ca (why not go now?) and check out the selection of blogs kept by the Ryerson grads they employ, you'll see Jim Lang's asinine "thoughts" on Moneyball, Sean McCormick bravely fighting the Good Oiler Homer Fight (bless that boy), Mike Toth fusing his incredibly annoying hyperactive on-air personality with shot-gun topic sentences, pun-filled contrarianism, and out of the mist Campbell's blog that consists of saying nice things and apologizing for others. Disappointingly though, Campbell's latest entry does not end with his trademark "what do you think," as though the internet is full of to-do gentlemen in smoking jackets with British accents politely waiting for their chance to respond. Campbell and Mullinicks are the nicest people in the world, but that doesn't mean they don't say stupid things.
I've wanted to do a live-blog of a Jays game, with Mulliniks rather than Tabler (who, I think, is turning into a very good announcer), but I'm always at work when the games are on. It's becoming a real nuisance so I might not be able to do it at all. The job I mean, the live-blog of Mulliniksianisms is an imperative.
Here's a sample:
"As crazy as it seems, I don't think you have to give in." On a 3-1 pitch to Ian Kinsler, the best hitting second-baseman in baseball, with one out and the BASES LOADED in a one run game. Um, no. You give in and throw a damn strike. Walking in runs is BAD, and given that Kinsler has a batting-average-on-balls-in-play of .336 (over the last 365 days), you stand a 66.4% chance of getting him out by making him put the ball in play.
"[As a baserunner on first, none out] Unless I sense that I can make it to third on a single, I shouldn't go." Sensible. Any specifics on HOW one should decide this? No?
After Josh Hamilton throws an absolute cannon, on the fly from rightfield, to throw out Marco Scutaro trying to go first to third, five minutes of crosstalk occurs between the two about the right way to take third base on a single before Mulliniks bothers to say "And a pretty nice throw by Hamilton." This throw was video-game, cartoon super-hero, what-Roberto-Clemente-must-have-looked-like Good. In other words, the throw was not "good" at all. It was awesome. Just say it. Saying nice things about the other team can be a "good" way to announce games too!
"No disrespect to Hamilton [after choosing Bradley Hamilton over the city of Hamilton in a "Which Hamilton would you choose" contest (wait, WHAT?)], they do have a great football team." Combined record from 2005 to present: 13-47. There are girl's softball teams that are better CFL teams than the Hamilton Tiger-Cats. This one was Campbell actually, guilty of being ridiculous and, again, WAY TOO NICE.
Commercial time. What in the holy hell is the deal with that stupid Rogers' commercial where the two unlikeable yuppies are bickering over whether to get Blackberries for their company? Black Yuppie is on board, it's the cost of doing business, but White Yuppie isn't so sure. Apparently getting a phone means companies need to re-think their caffeine-office paradigm. Why do Blackberries mean the end of the Columbian Dark Roast? What the hell does that have to do with getting office phones? WHO IN GOD'S NAME DOES YOUR BUDGET?
Brad Wilkerson just made a friggin' great catch! Wow! Except that no, he did not, he caught a ball that hit the top of the fence then bounced into his glove. Well sold by Wilkerson, the Jays get a break as replays clearly, CLEARLY show he trapped it and quickly raised his glove for the umpire. Even Campbell comes up with a true-blue, clearcut opinion, pulling a hamstring in the process, and definitively says Wilkerson trapped it. But...
"Even with that replay it's very hard to tell" says Rance, who has not updated his eye prescription since his playing days.
"He just struck the umpire out." I don't know what this means, but Rance disagreed with a ball-four call. He's right, it was a strike, but I just thought it was an odd thing to say.
"Awfully close." Mullinicksian reaction to a replay of Scott Downs picking off Travis Metcalf at first base. Metcalf was very obviously safe. Jays 2, Umpires 0. Campbell, dictated by his BE NICE perogative, says nothing. Hey! One of you two baseball guys! ADDRESS THE CONTROVERSY BEFORE YOU! THAT'S WHERE THE STORIES ARE!
Commercial time, and another one doesn't make any sense. Couple of yuppies running around the house turning off sprinklers, running bathtub water, and ovens cooking a huge-ass turkey. Why? Because they were SUPER YOUNG and VIRILE and SPONTANEOUS and were having S-E-X. Great. Except that Cialis, the product in question that raises said roof, doesn't take effect for four to five hours. And she was making a TURKEY, that's like, what, five hours of work? Their "maritals," I'm afraid, have all the spontaneity of an accounting firm's office supply order meeting.
EMAIL IS JUST $15 BUCKS A MONTH MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!
B.J. Ryan is on to save the game. After blowing last night's game in hilarious fashion, he's SURE to bring the heat this time! Oh, solid single to rightfield on a baloon down the middle. Ryan is pretty big right? Physically, I mean. When he's twirls the ball around in his hand while getting the sign it looks like he's holding a golfball. So why can he only throw 90 mph? If Josh Hamilton really wanted to hit one of of Yankee Stadium at the Homerun Derby, he should've brought Ryan as his pitcher.
Ryan gets the save, due largely in part to getting a called strike three on Chris Davis that could generously be described as a "bloody awful" call. Barajas caught the thing with his catching arm fully extended. Jays 3, Umpires 0. Rance?
"Chris David doesn't like the call." He does not, because if Chris David were right-handed instead of left-handed, he would be on first base and rubbing his bruised ribs. Just SAY IT! No?! Curse you, bland homers.
I think that's a fair sampling of the Silliness on Sportsnet. Just an unwillingness to show any outright opinions of the stickier elements during the game, which I realize is expected from guys who travel with the team and see the players every day. But these were obvious bad calls and while Campbell did at least address the Wilkerson trap neither seemed aware or willing to connect the dots and state that the Jays, overall, really benefited from some shoddy umping (shumping?) tonight.
I felt bad for mocking Nice People so I did some research and realized that Rance was actually a pretty good hitter back in the day. I remembered him at the end of his career when he was the reason Pat Gillick decided that the DH spot shouldn't be a liability anymore, and proceeded to get Dave Winfield for 1992. If you look back over his earlier career though, he put up some very good seasons. When? 1984 was one! .324/.383/.440 with a 124 OPS+. What I can't figure out is how in the world he managed a .440 slugging % when he only hit THREE homeruns all year. Another one? 1988 was probably his best overall, hitting .300/.395/.475, 143 OPS+, 12 HR's and 48 RBI's. Those are some excellent on-base percentages by the way (.383 and .395), that basically means he got on base 40% of the time. I guess when he says Rios should keep his damn hands in he's not talking out of his ass.
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